Today is a big day. It is a quietly big day. It’s an unmarked commemoration of who I used to be. A line in the sand only visible to me. Is it a celebration? Yes, in a way. Is mournful? In its own way, I suppose so.

It’s emotional, none the less.

1. Today is the last day of a job I got made redundant from.
2. Today is the last payment on a credit card from a life long ago.
3. Today I haven’t had a cigarette for six weeks, and a drink for 31 days (although the latter might change later!).
4. Today I finished a program with a personal trainer.
5. Today I got the opportunity to apply for an absolute dream job.
6. Today I get to choose who I want to grow up to be.
7. Today I reflect on who I used to be.
8. Today is a great day.

As you see, this has been a big month for me. And I feel drained. Heavy, like I’m underwater. I feel free, but drained. I’ve made so many positive steps, to rebuild my life in the shape that I want it. The Lego pieces of my self that have been scattered and strewn, and slowly being built back up. More solid than ever before. Taking conscious, determined actions to rebuild myself.

I’ve started seeing a therapist.

I’m going to finally pass my driving test.

I’ve started studying Buddhism.

Today is a great day.

I’m relearning that I have all the answers inside, I just need to ask, to look, to trust in myself. Something that came so naturally. Something that I didn’t realise I’d lost. It’s hard. But it’s coming back.

So yes, I mourn a future that never was. There are hard times still to come. But for the most part, let’s celebrate. Celebrate the futures that are yet to come. And the presents we receive every day.